Don’t Ask…

I was listening to a report on NPR of some Marines being interviewed regarding the possible removal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. I know that this is a touchy subject, and that it will be a boundary-stretching experience for many if our President and the congress can take this bold, life-affirming step. But one soldier in particular really got to me… when he talked about not being able to trust his fellow soldiers if he knew they were gay. “It affects the little people. It affects them because now you can't trust the people around you. You don't know if that guy is actually going to be there when you need him.”
As if ones sexual orientation determines ones trustworthiness. It unsettled me. It made me feel so very “second-class”, even though I will never serve in the armed forces. In this day and age to have such ignorant opinions abound… my heart goes out to all the gays and lesbians who have served with honor and have been forced out of the military. And to all those who continue to remain enlisted and live a double life at times to keep their commitment to their country.
I know the views like that marine expressed stem from heterosexism and patriarchy writ large. And I know this one soldier’s voice does not represent everyone. But then another marine opined that if one wants to serve, one must be ready to give up that aspect of your personhood. If you want to be a marine, get back in the closet and stay there. No swishing about on the battlefield. No redecorating the barracks. No fairies on the frontlines. “You make sacrifices if you want to be a Marine, and being openly gay is one of them.”
Oh, sorry if that sounds sour and curmudgeonly… but it is tiresome to hear these old, outdated fears and opinions broadcast. And it is also clarifying – it shows me the work that lies before us, the education we need to do, and the courage we all need to “live out loud”.
Although I think I may live in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” neighborhood, my wider community is open and affirming. My religion tells me that I am loved just as I am. Yet that is not enough. We don’t get to sit down and rest until we help make a world where everyone feels this acceptance.

Walking to the State House on Thursday

Walking to the State House on Thursday, across various Trenton Streets, around various State agencies, I paid attention to the citizens I met along the way. I felt I was going on to witness something important (the NJ Senate vote on the Marriage Equality bill), potentially history-making. But I wondered, what has it to do with these folks? In the grand scheme of things, does the passing of this legislation do anything to ease their life, to give them hope?

There are so many things that need “fixing” in our society: work and just wages for all; affordable housing; a stable, safe, local food supply; quality education, no matter where you live or who your parents are – from pre-Kindergarten through college. Those are my dreams, and those are the things worth fighting for. And those are the things that seem so impossibly hard to fix.

So where does “marriage equality” fit in all of this? How does it help the lives of all these other people? If you base an opinion solely on the kinds of testimony you’ve heard, or the representatives the proponents of the bill have put forward, you could (uncharitably) think that although their stories are heart-wrenching, it may not be such a big deal. After all, they have options – they have health-care, even though it’s been hard to make sure the family of a same-sex couple is covered. They have jobs and houses. That is true.

Yet they struggle, and endure hurts and discrimination. And there are so many untold stories about less privileged gay and lesbian couples where the option to “marry” (not just get civil-unionized) would make a real, positive change in their lives. Marriage equality may seem like a “privilege”, but it is also emblematic of a healthier society. Allowing civil marriage for all couples honors all families. And it also evidences a civil society where equality is valued, and compassion is present. It demonstrates a potential for greater equality and equity in the wider society.

If we can do this, we CAN make education a priority and take up economic issues that support people and not institutions “too big to fail”. Universal healthcare for all – a dream that has surfaced in this country every now and then over the past 100 years (and has been unjustly vilified in these recent debates on healthcare) – might just become part of our culture.

Because one culture change can beget many more. But only if we care enough. Only if our vision is broad enough not to be stymied by some false “hierarchy of injustice”. Step by step, we keep moving forward. Is “marriage equality” the most important issue? Maybe, maybe not. But it is still worth working for.

The Lady in the Red Suit

The group opposing Marriage Equality had chosen red as their color and they were conspicuous in their attire back in December at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing. Today, they were at the State House as well – and so were a lot of Marriage Equality supporters in their blue t-shirts. I found myself eying the crowd, gauging support by what people wore.

I was partially faked out by one woman who just happened to be wearing a red jacket, sitting next to three other women in red. I mentioned to my companion that it cannot be a coincidence, as he had asserted, that all four are just there for another reason and not opposing marriage equality. Turns out it was quite by accident that she wore red and in no way was that meant to telegraph her allegiance. But the other three, who thought she was “one of them”, were in the opposition’s camp.

So later, when I sat in the café eating my lunch, and a another woman in a red dress and jacket came over, smiled and asked if she could join me at the table, I said “yes” and thought to myself, “oh here we go!” It was pretty clear where I stood, with my Garden State equality t-shirt and stickers and a button. But in addition to her red attire, she was wearing a League of Voters pin, and so I thought “this is interesting…” and it was.

Well, you can’t judge a woman by her dress. She wanted to talk to me about the importance of Marriage Equality and the odd behavior of “lame-duck” sessions and the politicization of every vote right now, in this shift in leadership in Trenton. I was talking to an ally! I explained about the opposition’s fashion-choice. She laughed and said had she known, she would have chosen a different stand-out color to wear today.

We discussed these issues and also the “in-state tuition for non-citizens” bill as well, and puzzled over why granting civil and educational rights to people – things that don’t really “cost” the state anything but their goodwill and support, that create a more whole, intact society – seems to be so difficult for some people.

Now that the Senate voted to continue discrimination in the state of New Jersey, the wondering is not just academic. And the fight goes on. As the disappointment of the Marriage Equality bill’s failure weighs on me, I will hold on to the fine speeches some senators gave in support of equality, some that in a surge of hope, brought a tear to my eyes. And to this conversation with the woman in the red suit.